By Lindsey Edgecomb

How Alice Single-Handedly Saved The World.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Alice Wick, Alice was a 13 year-old hick from...

(We're not really sure where) she lived with her mother, on the top of a hill in the middle of a scrub brush and pine tree forest.

One day as Alice finished all her chores and was almost done collecting paper, old soda cans, and any stray pieces of plastic, she excitedly realized that her recycling  bin was full! So Alice (finding a new meaning in life) joyfully skipped to her mother and stated in the most grown up tone she could muster, "Mother, I have finished all my chores and will be embarking on my monthly recycling trip to grandmother's house." (Now at this point we will stop the story to explain that Alice's Grandmother was a born again hippie, which might explain some things.)

"Alright honey just please try to get home before tomorrow afternoon," replied her mother in a unconcerned voice as she went to retrieve the burlap sack that Alice used to carry all her recycling goods.

As Alice made her way down the mountain she marveled at how the leaves silently fell off the trees painting a scene of life, death, growth and shiny metal objects.

No that couldn't be right, thought Alice. Metal was NOT meant to be in scrub brush, metal was meant to be recycled.

Heartbroken that anyone could litter like that she determinedly made her way to the object.

No sooner had she come upon the object she jumped back in shock and dismay, for laying on the ground, immediately in front of her she saw an AXE! Horrified she gingerly nudged the axe with her foot prepared for anything. The lessons her grandmother had taught her started flashing through her mind,

#1 How to fight and combat earth haters, #1,255. how to reverse any harm, hurt, loss and waste, #35.What to do when you feel threatened, and most importantly  #58: How to turn your worst enemy into your best friend. Going through the steps in her head she started with;

• #1. Assess the situation and diminish any threat.

Alice, knowing she had done that moved on to the next point,

• #2. engage in playful conversation until, your opponent is at ease.

gosh i’m really good at this,the axe is very relaxed.

• #3. slowly walk around your opponent and randomly poke them with chopsticks.

help thought Alice as she with dismay realized she didn't have any chopsticks with her,  feeling frazzled she broke off two sticks and used them in place of the chopsticks.

That was a close one she thought as she completed the task,

That was too close, next time i NEED to have everything, I was lucky this time but next time I might not make it out in one piece.

• #4. if appropriate capture the item.

Consciously Alice shoved the axe in her sack,

• #5.CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! if you have made it  this far it means you have succeeded in  turning your worst enemies into your best friends!!!!!!!! YAY! (now run away fast because someone will probably be mad at you and want you to return the thing/person you just stole and start chasing after you)

Knowing good advice when she remembered it and because of the fact that someone was probably chasing her she quickly made her way down the mountainside until, out of breath she arrived at her grandma's house.

Breathing heavily, Alice stopped for a moment trying to remember which door was the decoy door and which one was the real one. Surrounding the house was a ring of pine trees, recycled wind chimes and little paper things, maybe origami and fishing wire? who knew, The house was deceptively small and painted the colors of the rainbow, and half of it was hanging over a 15 foot drop.

After looking down at her CTR ring she came to the conclusion that the right door was the correct door and Alice hurried in, to find her grandmother cooking turkey feather soup and humming This Old Earth (to the tune of "This Old Man") Alice hurriedly put her hand on her heart and started singing along:

This old earth

Needs our help

To stay fresh and clean and green

With a pick it up; pitch it in; and throw it in the can--

This old earth needs a helping hand!

Her grandmother, happy to see her came over to her and gave her a hug.

“Alice its so good to see you!” said her grandma

“yes grandma you too," Alice said impatiently, "I've brought you all my recycling, and something else.” The last part she she said in a hushed tone. As Alice explained the events of the day and her use of lesson #58, her grandma’s face grew dark,

“Hurry and give me the axe, we must hide it before someone comes looking.” she promptly answered.

No sooner had grandma said this than the cottage door burst open,revealing a furious woodsman standing before them, he had a overgrown, jagged beard (looking like he cut it himself, and oddly made him look like a wolf) he was dressed in a yellow plaid shirt and a tattered pair of overalls with little bits of crushed up leaves scattered around it, And wore a pair of old army boots.

Taking in the scene and noticing Alice‘s guilty face as she pulled his axe from her sack, he immediately demanded that she return it to him, not sure what to do she looked to her grandmother whose face was a dark red color almost like a turnip that was about to burst.    

To calm herself down she pulled out a Eco-friendly herbal soothing candy, and popped it in her mouth, preparing herself to rebuke this man.

”Excuse me earth hater but i will let you know that I have trained my granddaughter well.. and when she came upon your earth extinction device, she knew that we needed to put a stop to all this, so wolf if you will kindly step out of my home so we can sort these things out?"

Flabbergasted at this old lady and the proposition she had just made he took a step forward to argue back.

Alice, had been watching everything so far, when she suddenly saw something out the corner her eye, and guess what she saw, a pistol! The man took a step towards her grandma, and at that moment she knew she had to do something. Quickly thinking back through the lessons she had been taught. What to do when you feel threatened, lesson #35, flashed through her mind, knowing there was only one step to this one,   

#1. Eliminate the threat.

Alice picked up the axe, flipped it over so the blade was facing the floor and swung it through the air until the wooden handle of the axe connected with the wood choppers head, as he fell to the ground there was the sound of an explosion and Alice realized that the strangers pistol had gone off in his pocket.

Unsure of what to expect next, Alice and her grandmother hurried over to the man and inspected him.Alice's grandma,realizing what had happened and the fact that Alice had just saved her life said with tears in her eyes thanked her granddaughter  for thinking so quickly and saving her life.

They then put the body through a wood chipper so that it was in little chunks and sprinkled it all over in the herb garden to use as compost. After that  wanting to have some good grandmother  granddaughter time they, headed to the kitchen to check on the soup, and then  started recycling what Alice had brought.